Erin Incoherent – Static
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An I_Nonself Reflection by DJK
Contemplating the energetic states and the energy that enlivens our being to create and do. That which compels us from a static apathy, to meaningful creative work.
What is this that I hold to and call myself? What is this that gives me energy to make and to do? Where does it go? What is this state of uncomfortable progress? How do I find the vast emptiness that I have glimpsed and wish to contemplate and dwell within? Did I create in it, filling it with something where there was nothing? How do I release my grasp, how do I free myself from a perception attached to all of my projections?
The decisions we make, and that which lends us life, that which gives us the power to do and to move and to be beautiful and graceful. I am thankful for that which lends support to the individual as they rise to stand as I.
Great thanks, for roots and family support. Artists, students, workers, performers we are thankful for new experiences, powerful support and strong beauty. I change and grow, we change and grow within and of each other.
I am thankful for the intellect and for thinking about the world we live in. I am thankful for a far away horizon and for a beautiful sadness that allows us to reflect and retreat.
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I notice something within that skips over unwanted mental occurrences, while driving and working. Like something seeking to help, it redirects me away from the problem thought. the problem thought however is not to be avoided, it is to be work on. So to avoid in order to return to work is confusion. I notice it when I just start moving around, I start doing something but the motivating thought was “start moving”.
That combined with a traumatic thought or a thought of real personal problem can keep one in a state of “meaningless progress”. Just doing what one is prompted to can have an effect on a person like being erased. Ones personal journey and their understanding of reality a mere side note to the demands of social capital pursuit.
Valued are the authentic moments of difficult memories and reflection. A painful memory and sad thought of loss. They say in Buddhism that one is to cut through attachments, to separate from all sources of suffering.
Sadness and pain are not always suffering, so to abandon pain and sadness may lead to a state of ignorance. At a fast pace, this ignorance may seem like bliss, high speed happiness, a feeling of invincibility, always distracted and to call it ones life may be a delusion.
Practicing the concept of cutting through attachments is an ocean of experiments. The individual, I, is of their own experience and in the practice of cutting through attachments one may lose orientation. I have experienced a grasping at the threshold of loosing orientation;
Meditating in a dark cave, I felt the fullness of internal substance leaving the body and a fear of something predatory in the dark lead to a primal scream. I grasped at my voice as orientation began to unravel.
It has been said that true freedom is without orientation.
Through meditation, what I am most attached to begins to become apparent and a level of detachment occurs.
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Attachment to projections, projects and processes. There is both a pressure to push onward with all personal and work projects, and there is a pressure to walk away from it all and into the way.
To walk humbly out of the grasping and holding of ownership and career and into something new is often thought of as the obvious thing to do for those who are seeking. “Did you try walking away from it all?”
No matter where you go, there you are. So after walking away, you always end up somewhere and there is always a person, moment or internal arising that asks “Well, what are you now, what are you doing here?”
“Have you tried meditation? Meditation is not static apathy and after walking usually there is a place to sit.”
The Buddha sat. He walked away from the palace leaving his wife and child behind. He ran naked through the forest, He witnessed suffering, sickness and death and he mortified the body with the spiritual ascetics of the time. His wanderings and sufferings lead him to a Bhodi tree where he resolved to sit until he came to the end of suffering or would die under the Bhodi tree.
Through this he became enlightened, through his own experience, with no master or teacher, no guide beyond his own resolve, he arrived at a compassionate orientation.
Passion fuels the modern world, our economy and our drive to success.
Compassion is water to this fire.
Compassion is what I have been carried away from. It is where I reside when I can.
The passionate pursuit of success, the orientation of income and debt, the allure of sensuality and sexuality, all a part of my life. The need to investigate what the Buddha meant and what he did has lead me to do similarly, the Buddha’s story has been an orientation for me my entire life. I have always thought; will I sit under a tree, and at times I have though that it is something that I must do.
Perhaps I’m am attached to this idea. Perhaps I am attached to the concept of the Buddha.
He liberated himself through experience, and the teaching is that I should do the same.
He lived on earth, and I am on earth now, experiencing the developed world and in observation of humanities effect on the earth.
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On the road, its almost impossible not to recognize suffering within oneself, and in others. The suffering of the environment and the suffering of the animals. The road beckons action, what to do about this waste problem, what do I eat on the road, why are drive thru animal sandwiches more available then an apple and peanut butter. To approach renouncing the flesh, of not eating animals or animal products, abstaining from substance, fasting and energetic wakefulness is difficult. However, the mental obstacles arise as a brick wall but can often to be moved with a feather. If recognized as a problem then to make an effort is logical.
On the road, making money can be difficult. I have delivered food to people that I would not eat. Handling animal products that I would not buy, I’m very conflicted about this, and often am disoriented after having done so, but with a small profit. The dangers of delivery driving are not to be neglected either. I could die anytime I decide to use the app on my phone.
On the road, It becomes almost impossible to ignore the resource use and abuse. The waste of consumerism becomes apparent.
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The extremes of our world did not exist in Buddha’s time and modern awareness has applied much attention to environmental distress and what to do about it. So my attention is often reoriented towards the ecosystem and towards renewable energy, gardening and sustainable design.
The Buddha taught to abandon formations and constructs, and since his time humanity has made a massive effort to construct and put form to natures design.
So whats a poor boy to do…
The maintenance of reputation demands my attention and fuels my action. The need of income and the resolving of debts pulls me from my art, music and digital archival practices, and back into a vehicle (which I was freely given). I am thankful and overwhelmed by that which invigorates me with zest and energy for all important doings, like an ocean current carrying me to the next shore.
The modern world is extreme. When in action, I am often directed and prompted by non-self, but there is much to resist.
To stand up as I, in defense of ones existence, and to communicate to the masses as an authentic individual experience is powerful and much respect and praise is due to artists, musician and performers who maintain their effort as a practice of living as well as a career or art form.
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